Anime Hockey
by Ryukai
Summary: It's a hockey match between none other than the stars of Gundam Wing and Sailor Moon!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer - I don't own Sailor Moon or Gundam Wing, so don't sue!  
  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen," a rather bored, unemotional, flat voice called out,   
signaling the game was about to start.  
  
"Boys and girls!" A girlish, snooty, excited voice shouted out.  
  
"Welcome to the FIRST inter-anime hockey championship games." The two   
voices rang out together. "I'm commentator Mamoru." "And I'm commentator Relena   
Peacecraft, former Queen of the World, current Head Minister, straight A honor..."   
There was a muffled shriek and Mamoru's voice filled the air again. "Sorry about that.   
Anyway, let's welcome Crystal Tokyo's, all girl defending champion hockey team, the   
Moonlight BUNNIES!!" As he said this, his voice got all excited. "Rei, Ami, Chibi-  
USA, Makoto, Minako, AAAAND their captain the talented, beautiful and, uh, um, well   
PRINCESS Usagi!"  
  
An angry voice shouted, "It should've been me! I should've been Captain, why is   
it Usagi?! It's always Usagi, and what's with the talented and beautiful? She's UGLY,   
ugly with absolutely no talent whatsoever! IT'S NOT FAIR!! AND WHY DID SHE   
GET TO NAME THE TEAM?!?!" As Usagi skated out Rei lunged at her. "You always   
get to do everything, well this time it's MY TURN!! MWAHAHAHA!! MARS...   
AAARGH!" She never got to finish because at that moment, one of the refs, a tall stately   
woman with green hair, grabbed her. "LET GO OF ME!! You WILL regret this,   
especially when my lawyer comes knocking with a lawsuit..." Her complaints trailed   
off, as she was dragged kicking and screaming from the rink.  
  
"Who does she think she is?!" An enraged Mamoru was being held back by   
Relena. "LET GO OF ME!! She can't attack MY girlfriend and expect to get away with   
it!"  
  
At that exact moment, Usagi, who had been sitting on the floor bawling about   
how everybody picked on her and "why did Rei have to be so mean?" looked up and saw   
Relena holding Mamoru. "WHAT do you think you're doing?!" She attempted to skate   
over, but fell so many times that she was reduced to crawling over to the announcer's   
booth. "Get away from my boyfriend!" She grabbed Mamoru and started pulling him   
towards her. "HE'S MINE!! MINE I TELL YOU!! HAHAHAHA!"  
  
Relena sweatdropped and quickly let go of him. "Oooookay, then you can have   
him. We have to get on with game anyway." Ignoring both of them she grabbed the   
mike and began to announce the other team. "Alriiiighty then, let's welcome the   
challenging team, theeeeeeeeee SHENLONG DRAGONS?!! What IS this? Wufei's the   
captain? NO!! It has to be my Heero. Only Heero can be captain. HEY WHAT ARE   
YOU DOING?? GIVE THAT BACK!" Relena started shrieking as Mamoru grabbed the   
mike away.  
  
"Let's welcome Quatre Raberba Winner! (scattered, unenthusiastic applause can   
be heard, and a snow cone is thrown at him) Trowa Barton! (even less enthusiastic   
applause with some boo's and "Clown-hater" being heard, and a sub sandwich being   
thrown at him.) Hey! That's mine, what're ya doing?!"  
  
"Hmph. I'm fine now, I can handle the commentating, SO LET ME FINISH!   
Anyways, lets hear if for my brother, Miliardo Peacecraft! (boo's are heard, and the   
crowd starts throwing bagels at him.) Hey, that's my brother, applaud or I'll have your   
heads!" There's a pause and Relena's voice comes back on. "Ahem. And now for our   
favorite, HEERO YUY!! (the crowd roars, applauding and screaming.) That's right.   
And here's our goalie, that dirty, evil, stinking street-thief," "RELENA!" "Sorry. Duo   
Maxwell. (the noise is deafening, and it takes five minutes for the crowd to quite down to   
the point where Relena's voice can be heard.) "And here's our captain, also a dirty, evil,   
sexist, place-stealing little, hehehe, whoops. Captain Chang Wufei." The room goes   
silent as Wufei skates out. "Sexist Pig!" "Women-hater!" "Women aren't weak!" can be   
heard, and the crowd starts throwing anything and everything at him, and some bricks can   
be seen among the junk being thrown. From the rink a voice can be heard saying, "It's   
okay Wuffie, we still like ya anyway."  
  
Wufei flipped the crowd off and turned to Duo. "SHUT UP!! Omoe o korosu,   
Maxwell," a mild protest can be heard from Heero's direction, 'That's MY line!' Wufei   
just ignores him and glares at Duo. "Don't call ME that!" Hearing this, the crowd starts   
to chant, "Wuffie, Wuffie!" Making the already enraged captain even madder. "SHUT   
UP! All of you, just wait until this game is over, then we'll see who's laughing! Then   
we'll see!"  
  
"Okay then. Everybody let's welcome our refs! Haruka, Michiru, and Setsuna!   
Setsuna being the most wonderful of all people who took of our little problem with Rei,   
who is a conceited little stuck up... WHAT!! SHE ONLY HAS A THIRTY-SECOND   
PENALTY?!! What's your problem, kick her out of the game you dirty little sl..."  
  
Relena grabs the mike before he can finish what he was about to say, mindful of   
Setsuna's glare, and how she's muttering away to herself. "You'd better apologize." She   
hissed. "Now, I know there's usually only two refs, but we're making an exception for   
tonight's game, and for future games, in case it gets too violent. There will also be some   
back-up refs, just in case." She pauses, waiting out the crowd's roar of appreciation at   
the word violent. "Now, let's get on with the game!!"  
  
"Well said Relena," Mamoru says, once again in his bored, can I go now, voice.   
"The refs are bringing out the puck right now! But wait, what's this? *Gundam Wing's   
The Wings of a Boy That killed Adolescence song comes on* It's a little late for your   
mascot to show up now!" Mamoru starts cussing at them, and Relena takes the mike   
away from him, again.   
  
Wufei is laughing maniacally as the sound control people try, without success to   
get the song to stop. Nobody sees Duo hit a button on a remote control about a fourth of   
the way through the song, and then the song changes to, It's Just Love. Everybody turns   
to glare at Duo, and Wufei looks like he's about to snap. His face is turning redder and   
redder until it finally settles on a dark, dark purple. "DUO!! What did you do? What   
happened to the theme song?" He starts to advance on Duo, who starts backing away.  
  
"Whoah! Hold on there Wuffie, why do you think I did it? Everybody's always   
blaming me for everything!" He suddenly realizes that he's been waving around the   
remote control, and quickly hides it.  
  
"This is all YOUR fault Duo." Wufei hissed, trying to hide the tears.   
"Everything that I've tried to do you've always ruined. ALWAYS!!" Finally he breaks   
down and starts to sob.  
  
Seeing this, Duo starts laughing like a psychotic maniac. "Just wait,   
HAHAHAHA, until, heehee, you see your, HAHA!" It takes a few minutes before he can   
continue. "Precious Nataku!" He's laughing so hard that he falls to go the ground, just   
in time to avoid being tackled by Wufei.  
  
"My precious Nataku! NOOOO!! I'm coming Nataku! It'll be alright, just wait   
right there!" Suddenly the room goes quiet, heavy thuds can be heard from outside the   
rink and a mechanical voice is singing along to the song. "THIS IS INJUSTICE!"  
  
"Usagi!!" Mamoru shouted as she fell to the ice. *thud* "Aargh!" Everytime the   
thing stepped, Usagi would fall. *thud* "What the heck , *thud* do you *thud* think   
you are *thud* doing?! *thud* That's my boyfriend!!" *thud* Reduced to crawling   
across the ice, again, Usagi kept up a constant tirade of profanity directed to Relena, as   
Relena held her boyfriend back.  
  
Meanwhile, up in the crowds, Hotaru walked up and down the aisles, advertising   
things to throw at the players. "Pretzels, get your pretzels! Fifty cents for two rock hard   
pretzels. Throw them at Wufei, throw them at Usagi, excellent missiles for throwing at   
heads!" She paused at one aisle who was in the perfect place to throw things. "How   
about some bricks. One dolla for ONE brick! Perfect projectile to throw at Quatre or   
Trowa! Just ONE dolla!" Needless to say, she was making a fortune.  
  
Usagi, finally at the commentator's booth, lunged at Relena, and a cat fight   
ensued. "This'll teach you to mess with MY boyfriend!" "Oh yeah, take this!" "HA!   
You hit like a sheltered school girl, take this!" "OOOH!! You little... OW!" Usagi had   
gotten hold of Relena's hair, and was slamming her head into the glass. "Girls, GIRLS!"   
Mamoru's pleas fell on deaf ears as their screeches of rage got louder and louder. And   
then a very yellow Gundam stepped onto the ice, heedless of the many cracks and holes it   
was causing.   
  
Wufei, trying to get to Duo, but was blocked by Haruka, and Duo wasn't helping   
any by making faces at him and waving the remote control above his head, whirled   
around when he heard the ice cracking, and almost had a heart attack. "NATAKU!   
NOOOO!!!" There was the Gundam Shenlong, yellow with little pink bunnies dancing   
on it, and as soon as Wufei saw it, the Gundam started to dance. "What have they done   
to you my precious Nataku?! I WILL avenge you! DIE DUO!" Screaming like a   
madman he leaped over Haruka and tackled Duo and started to choke him.  
  
Setsuna skated over to them, looked at them in disgust and in her, I'm sick of you,   
the world and all the universe, so you'd better stop what you're doing before I kill you,   
voice, told them to stop. All she got was an elbow in the stomach. Gritting her teeth, she   
grabbed Duo and Wufei and threw them into the walls. "YOU," she snapped, looking at   
Duo. "Get that machine out of here and stop provoking your teammate. And YOU!"   
She glared at Wufei. "Stop attacking people."  
  
"And who's gonna make me, you?" He sneered at her. "You're just a weak   
women."  
  
Setsuna laughed, causing everybody to stop what they were doing and stare at her   
in shock. "Only a weak male would call a woman weak, and while we're at it, stop   
making sexist comments. 15 minute penalty, Chang Wufei."  
  
"15 MINUTES?!" He shrieked. "You only gave that other girl 30 seconds, and   
she was trying to murder someone, if that's not sexist, I don't know what is!" He   
continued his tirade until a huge explosion interrupted their bickering.  
  
"DUO!!" Everybody yelled as Duo was trying to hide the pieces of the ruined   
Gundam. "Yes?" He asked, trying to look innocent.  
  
"My poor Nataku! What've you done?" Wufei collapsed on the floor in a fit of   
hysterics.  
  
"Oh come on Wuffie," "Don't call me that!" "It's just a dead hunk of metal.  
  
"A dead hunk of metal?!?" Wufei screamed. "Nataku was more than that,   
Nataku lived! Hey, let go of me, what are you doing?!"  
  
"Mourning time's over, buddy." Setsuna smiled queerly, and roughly pulled   
Wufei up off of the ice. "We've got a game too play, so let's get this over with." She   
shoved him towards his side of the ice.  
  
"But what about my pen..." Wufei was cut off.  
  
"NOT NOW! Shut up and play." Setsuna interrupted him, and gave him a nasty   
look before grabbing the puck and throwing it at him. "PLAY BALL!"  
  
"And they're off!" Relena squealed, as the puck hit Wufei in the head,   
disorienting him momentarily, and at that moment he was screaming something about   
how all ball hogs were big meanies, and he didn't appreciate being shorter than everyone   
else. "They're racing down the track, ignoring their fallen comrade, they're nearing the   
finish line, and, and..." The crowd was sitting on the edge of their seats in anticipation   
and when Mamoru cut in and reminded the crowd that this was a hockey game NOT a   
race track, they all sat back with heavy sighs of disappointment, and a shower of pretzels   
hit him on the back of his head.  
  
"But wait, what's this?" Relena squealed. "It looks like Rei's penalty is up, but   
she's not moving. In fact, she's climbing up to the top of the glass!" All the players   
stopped what they were doing, all except for Wufei and Duo. Duo was busy scoring, and   
Wufei was skating closer and closer.  
  
"Come on, just a few more inches, BANZAI!!" She screeched at the top of her   
lungs as she jumped off the glass, slamming Wufei into the ice.  
  
"OH MY GOSH! It looks like Rei did her famous, 'Banzai slam'. This doesn't   
look good for Wufei."  
  
"You're right, Mamoru. It's a proven fact that any male that is hit by the 'Banzai   
slam' has to undergo extensive surgery just to survive, and it looks like the same thing is   
in store for Wufei."  
  
"I don't know about that, Relena, I think it'll take more than that to take Wufei   
out of the game." Suddenly, everybody gasped. "It looks like Wufei's trying to get up,   
wait, he IS getting up."  
  
"It looks like he's about to talk"  
  
It WAS true. Out of nowhere Wufei grabbed a microphone. "You know what,   
Rei? You may have tried to stop Wufei from winning the championship, but Wufei says,   
HA! Right here, right now, you and The Rock, er, I mean, you and Wufei are going to   
settle this once and for all in a Royal Rumble!! And you know what else, Rei? The Ro...   
um, ahem, Wufei is going to take you out!"  
  
"What does Wufei think he's doing?! This is a hockey championship game, not a   
WWF wrestling match."  
  
"But he's winning! OOOH!!" The crowd flinched as Rei took a kick to the nose.   
"Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Rei'd better do something soon, or else she's outta here!"  
  
"Don't write out Rei so quickly. She's planning something wicked! Look out   
Wufei! Minako and Makoto are joining in! Where's Wufei's teammates? Why aren't   
they helping him?  
  
"Well, Duo's busy scoring, Heero's busy trying not to laugh, Trowa and Quatre   
are busy laughing their heads off, and my brother is busy flirting with Michiru!! HEY!   
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! AREN'T YOU ENGAGED TO NOIN?! I   
AM SOO TELLING!!" Relena jumped out of the booth and lunged at Miliardo, but was   
dragged back by Mamoru.  
  
"We've got to commentate on this game, CALM DOWN!!"  
Commercial break... 


	2. Chapter 2!!

*disclaimer (can't forget that!) Ahem, I do NOT own Gundam Wing, Sailor Moon and/or any other anime that is mentioned in this fic. However, I DO own the crowd, so NEE! So don't bother suing, you won't get anything, so there!! So sit back and enjoy the show! Hey, I've used a lot of so's, hmm, oh well! (back to the fic)*  
  
  
  
..."We've got to commentate on this game, CALM DOWN!!" He noticed a message flashing on their pager. "Alright ladies and gentlemen it looks like it's time fo-or COMMERCIALS!!"  
Commercial break...  
  
(Camera zooms in on a ship floating on some water) Child's voice comes on, "And here we have the cruise ship, that's actually an F-16 fighter jet in disguise, *this being said rather quickly* when suddenly *the kid's hand appears, holding a toy shark twice the size of the ship* a giant man-eating cannibalistic shark appears and suicide-bombs the ship!" A giant explosion can be heard as the shark falls on the ship; the smoke clears and there's blood on the water, little dismembered limbs are floating everywhere. New voice comes on, "You can create your own violent stories with your own actors with the new game, 'Cannibalism isn't just for humans.' Of course you might wish to do this when your parents aren't around..." The kid's voice comes back on. "But amazingly the F-16 disguised as a cruise ship survives and a horrible, bloody fight ensues..." The 2nd voice comes back on, "Only for Playstation."  
  
***  
  
The screen goes black and a new commercial comes on: "Critics are raving, Gundam Gone Mad is a truly exhilarating movie. Siskel and Ebert call it the most unromantic, action-packed movie of all time.' Animerica and Toonami give it 4 stars and 'Two thumbs up.'" Screen shows a Gundam, yellow with pink bunnies dancing on it, dancing serenely to "Swan Lake" in a forest with all the little forest animals watching entranced. The scene changes to the Gundam dancing to "Smooth Criminal" in the middle of Tokyo, wreaking havoc on the city. The forest animals are nowhere to be seen, but some suspicious-looking feathers, blood stains, and skin can be seen on it. Voice comes back on, "Beware the Mad Gundam..." The Gundam fills the screen, points his gun and shoots...  
  
***  
  
Screen shows BellDandy and Skul going at it in a wrestling mach. Narrator comes on: "Better than WWF Wrestling, better than Celebrity Death Match..." Urd shows up and blasts them both with lightning. Camera zooms in on Duo Maxwell and Washu, sitting in the commentators booth and their voices come on, "OOOH, that was dirty. BellDandy and Skul don't even know what hit 'em!" "Too true, too true. It looks like they're down for the count!" They both look at the camera, "WELCOME TOoooO ANIME FIGHT RING!!" Narrator comes back on, "Premieres March 31st, 7 pm."  
  
***  
  
WEEELCOOOME BAAACK!!" Relena smiles serenely at the camera, as if she hadn't just had a small temper-tantrum, as it zooms in on her and Mamoru. "You haven't missed much, just Wufei and Rei exchanging insults, ALRIGHT REI!!"  
  
"HA! Wufei is SOO much better!"  
  
"Whatever!"  
  
"You know I'm right Relena!"  
  
"Oh please, you're just miffed about that little episode between Rei and Usagi." Relena covered Mamoru's mouth before he could say anything more. "WHOAH!! Makato, Rei, and Minako are skating around Wufei so fast that he's getting dizzy. They're moving in, OUCH!" The crowd flinched as all three of them tackled him.   
  
Heero, seeing this, automatically reached for a gun and Professor J started shouting at him, "Forget your gun, you have a hockey stick and a helmet! That's all you need, attack her!! Kill her! Use your stick and bash her head in. Use your helmet and knock 'em out!!" Heero nodded at him and joined the brawl, using his hockey stick to hit anyone in his way, not really caring if it was a teammate or not.  
  
Trowa, jumping into the fray, did some acrobatic stuff and was promptly thrown into a wall, where he sat dazed for a moment, then jumped back in. Quatre ran around in circles, crying and telling them, "Fighting's not right! We shouldn't have to fight, the war's over!" and various other things like that. Duo, seeing what was going on, stopped scoring and watched. He started laughing maniacally when he saw Chibi-Usa and Heero going at it. Cheering Chibi-Usa on, ignoring Heero's death glare, he didn't notice as Minako skated up to him.  
  
"Shouldn't you be cheering your teammate on?" She asked.  
  
He shrugged, "Yeah, probably, but it's just SOO much fun making Heero angry." He grinned at her. "Besides, Chibi-Usa isn't doing so bad against him, and normally she'd be dead by now. ALRIGHT REI!! KILL HIM!" He screamed as Rei came to help Chibi-Usa.  
  
"You know," Minako gave him an appraising look. "You wouldn't make a bad Sailor Scout. Be one of the Sailor Stars so you wouldn't have to wear those short skirts."  
  
Duo squealed in excitement. "REALLY? You really think so? That would be SOO cool, and I'd getta hang out with you and the other cute sailors."  
  
"On second thought, maybe we should make you a member of our team, you're moody enough, crazy enough. Hmm, I'll have to ask Luna." She skated off.  
  
"WAIT!! TELL ME HOW!! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HANGING!!" He skated after her, shouting at her to come back and tell him more.  
  
Setsuna watched as the mini fights became one huge brawl, disgust evident on her face. Disgust which turned quickly to anger as she watched her two refs join in. The crowd, sensing that she was about to stop the fight, began to throw everything they could get their hands on at her. After a few seconds, she lost it. "Pluto Planet Power, Make UP!" She gripped her staff and shouted, "DEAD SCREAM!!" Shooting her attack at various places she effectively demolished the safety glass surrounding the rink, and got the crowd to stop throwing things at her. Laughing at the crowd's shocked faces, she grabbed a mike out of nowhere. "HAHAHA!! You think you're all that when really, you are nothing but BUGS!! BUGS!! All of you! And would you like to know what I do to bugs? I SQUISH 'EM!! KILL 'EM DEAD!! MWAHAHAHA!!"  
  
Thinking that it wasn't Setsuna shouting, the hockey players, and refs, continued fighting, and Wufei threw a stray hockey puck at the source of the noise...  
  
"THAT'S IT!! I'M SICK OF ALL OF YOU!!" She whirled around and glared at the players, and refs, who all quailed at the sight of her. Slowly, she began to advance. "Do you see this?!" She hissed, pointing at her staff. "This is the Key of Time, and with this key, I can destroy all of your measly little lives!" She began to laugh, softly, maniacally. "For you see, I hate being ignored, I hate it when people are rude and don't listen to what I'm saying, and when people are rude, they need to be punished and disciplined. I hate it when people think I'm some sort of pushover who bends to their every whim, because you see, I'm not some pushover, oh no, not I. I also hate it when people call me antisocial and unfriendly, because I'm very friendly and social, right Michiru, Haruka?"  
  
Looking quite scared, they both nodded frantically, and began to back away.  
  
"STAY RIGHT THERE!! I'm not finished yet. I also hate it when people talk behind my back and call me evil. I'M NOT EVIL!! I have sacrificed my whole stinking life for the forces of good, not once have I wavered, not once have I hesitated in indecision while facing the forces of evil, unlike someone I know, *cough* Serena *cough*, but we won't name any names. And still, you have the nerve to call me, ME of all people, an fit leader. Look at your leader, a whiny, crybaby, klutzy, why am I always the one who has to do everything, IDIOT!!! The nerve of you people!! Without me, you wouldn't be anything, any of you!! You'd all be nothing, NOTHING!! DO YOU HEAR ME!?! Do you understand?! Are you intelligent enough to understand these big words that I am using?!" Noticing the scared looks being sent her way, she laughed, laughed like someone gone insane *think Joker, the Riddler those kinds of laughs* and everyone flinched.  
  
Pacing back and forth, she noticed the two commentators and she grinned and laughed some more. Mamoru was frantically trying to dial the nearest mental institute, while Relena was busy flashing her I'm-scared-but-I'm-not-hysterical-yet smile. Both of them shrieked, however, as Setsuna slammed her staff on the phone, effectively putting it out of order. "This game is OVER!! MWAHAHAHA!! DEAD SCREAM!!!" She shot her attack everywhere, laughing gleefully as it melted the ice and caused some minor explosions. Smirking, she disappeared only to reappear at the Gates of Time.  
  
Everyone looked at each other, bewildered. "So, uh, what just happened here?" Duo asked.  
  
"Um, well, it would appear uh that Setsuna, a.k.a Sailor Pluto, lost it." Chibi-Usa said. Everyone nodded. "So what happens now?" She looked around at the destruction. "There's no announcer booth, and both of our announcers are out of it." Everyone looked at Mamoru and Relena who were crying hysterically. "The ice is chopped up, so we can't continue our hockey match, and the scoreboards are broken, so we don't know the score, but it is SO obvious that MY team won."  
  
"NO IT'S NOT!!" Duo snapped. "I was the one who scored the last five points while everyone was brawling!"  
  
"Whatever!" Rei snarled. "You missed every single one of them!"  
  
"How would you know?!" Wufei snapped back. "You were too busy fighting with me to watch!"  
  
"Oh please, I was killing you so badly I would've had time to score 8 times and still know what was going on everywhere else in the rink while still beating you!"  
  
"And yet," Heero remarked in his usual monotone. "you didn't score once, and had no idea what was going on when I came up behind you and almost hit you before that little runt attacked me."  
  
Out of nowhere Chaos and MarieMaia appeared, "As you can see, no one is in fit condition to say who won, SOOO, we, the bad guys, get to. OOOH, what fun!" They both looked at each other and giggled like two-year olds. "What do we get to screw up this time?" Before either one of them could say anything, Sailor Pluto appeared above everyone.  
  
Shouting to be heard above the terrified shrieks that heralded her arrival, she announced the winner, "It was the Gundam Pilots!" She disappeared again while everyone was shouting angrily and/or happily.  
  
"They did not!" "WE DID TOO!!" and so on. 


End file.
